Just The Two Of Us
Our usual Sunday morning custom starts with reaching over to the bedside cabinet for our iPads. A few wines and a late night with friends the night before meant I was slowly becoming conscious, as my wife caught up on what was happening in the virtual world.
Then I hear, “Lets have a facebook free day today”
This statement was like a shot of adrenalin sending me into a panic, ‘WHAT NO FACEBOOK’. But then reason won out, we had a big day at the community farm planned and then a meet up with my parents, so it didn’t seem too painful, no need to reach for the Valium.
Although the idea didn’t last long, as my wife fixed breakfast I sparked up my laptop. The penny dropped, I had forgotten it was fathers day! My girl had my back!
On our way to the farm, via the local hardware/garden store, we checked in with each other. My wife confesses to telling me that she was “sad and sorry”, as is my normal behaviour I asked “why?”. Yes, this may seem like a stupid question, please bare with me.
” Because, I was never able to make you a father”
This is where my vocabulary fails me, I can not put into words the emotion I felt at this exact time, but I was able to say this;
“You know, I’ve never looked at our situation in that way, EVER. To me it’s always just been we, us, the two of us. WE didn’t have children, it didn’t work for US and as I have discussed earlier, this journey is extremely isolating, so to me ‘it’s just the two of us’.
“I hope I have never made you feel that way” I said, but in my mind I was in a panic, “Fuck, have I made this beautiful human being feel blame…. fuck, fuck, fuck”
The significance of this moment can never be under estimated, we have been together since we met at 16, that is close to 34 yrs. We have together sat on the psychologist couch for 10 yrs learning how to live with the legacy of childhood sexual abuse as well as our infertility, successfully I like to think. But, it took ‘a father’s day as we approach those 34yrs for my wife to confess what she has been carrying for years.
As I write this and read it to my wife for approval, the tears flow from us both. “The words were just too hard to say and now I’ve said it, I do feel like a weight has lifted from me”
This is another lesson I give to you, your greatest strength is within the two of you.
As Bill Withers sang;
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I
I believe the sun is shining through for us now.
Now where is that Prosecco and authentic French Brie!
