We are Warriors

When Jody Day founder of Gateway Women asked me to contribute to Gateway Women’s Fathers Day campaign, I said Yes very quickly.  I admire Jody for what she does, who she is and what she achieves, she has been an inspiration to me and many others around the world.  In the clear light of day, I thought to myself “What the hell am I going to talk about, the audience will be most likely, a vast majority of women”.  Talking on behalf of women is not my forte.

 So, I decided that as Fathers Day is a time of reflection for the CNBC community, I’d try to convey my thoughts of why we men behave in the way that we do through the lens of being childless.  A statement that Vickie said to me some time ago always comes to mind when I reflect on our differences. 

 “When we were going through IVF and it failed, when I was at my lowest, I never saw you grieve.  It made be think you didn’t care”.

 I know Vickie is not alone here, as I immerse myself deeper into our community, I hear versions of this story regularly.

 Apologies to our LGBTQ+ family, this is going to be a piece that will be bias towards female and male couples.  I’d feel like a fraud if I was to try and speak about the challenges and issues faced by a part of our community, I have not been exposed too. But through the podcast Sarah Lawrence (After The Storm), Berenice Smith (Walk In Our Shoes) and I share, we are planning to change that, but I digress.

 Before I delve into the reasons why, a little context is necessary.  Its actually a bit confusing for males of my generation right now, societies expectation of what a male is, is not really conducive to how the majority of us were socialised.  There is an expectation now that the traditional masculine traits of stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression are harmful. Of course taken out of context and used in the wrong way they are of course, but they are traits intrinsic to us.

I remember as a 7 yr. old, one particular boy used to bully me, I suspect because he had older brothers that would bully him.  I was a little taller than most in my year and I wasn’t a reactor, I was pretty laid back.  But one day, I’d had enough and popped him one in the chops.  Immediately the dynamic changed, long story short, he stopped bullying me and wanted to be my friend.  The lesson here was of course survival of the strongest, but it also changed the way others saw me, almost like a celebrity, I was the boy that ‘stood up to the bully’. Reinforcing that idea of strength is good.

 I was never home, always out with my mates getting up to some innocent mischief.  Growing up in the Essex countryside was great, with a bonus being so many trees to climb.  I fell out of many, but I would never cry, never wanting to see my friends see me as weak, after all ‘big boys don’t cry’ I was always told.

 A sporting outlet also defines us, I played rugby, it’s a tough game, you get knocked down, you get hurt, but you get up and carry on.  The aggression is the tool to do this, you harness it, focus it on doing better, doing more.  Vickie only ever watched a couple of games, all she could see was the potential for me to get hurt, she didn’t like this.  She did understand that when you cross the sideline onto the pitch, its like setting foot into the gladiator’s arena.  But she couldn’t grasp the concept that when you step back across the line you shook hands with your opponent and showed friendship, Vickie on the other hand would be holding a life long grudge for anyone that would have hurt me.  If we won, we’d be victorious, if we lost, we were dealt a lesson in humility, which is a great life skill to have, I see lacking these days.

 Also, what must not be overlooked is the fact that for a very very short period of time, when comparing the evolution of humans, our current lifestyles are so different to how we evolved. 

 When we were hunters, that Stoicism allowed us to focus on the prey, chase the prey even if we were injured.  The competiveness and aggression would make us strive for better, be the faster hunter, be the better shot, it allowed us to combat threats.  Weakness meant you didn’t survive.

 We are wired to be warriors.

 So why didn’t I show emotion, its quite simple really, I was being the warrior.  I was reaching down enduring the hardship and pain to keep our lives moving on. I had to focus that stoicism, aggression to be the rock that I thought I needed to be.

 Is this a good or a bad thing, to be honest I’m still unsure with hindsight I can see that Vickie felt isolated in our marriage, she felt alone even though she was in a couple.  She felt let down, she felt I didn’t care.  Whereas in my mind I was keeping it together, drawing on all my warrior traits to be strong, to get us through this trial.

 As I’ve aged and I guess my testosterone levels are not as high as they were 20yrs ago, I feel now that the aggression has waned.  I can see I’ve changed from the gung-ho warrior to that wise old man sitting calmly around the fire. I feel the emotions rise in me now, it is something I’m not used too as most of my life I’ve kept them deep down low.

 We are not wired to sit around and chat about our feelings that the fairer sex finds so easy to do.  We are beings of action, we bond from activities, be that saving the village from attack or defeating our rival rugby team.

 But what we do need is a place to belong, a place where we are understood and feel safe.  I know Jody will have a big smile right now, she encouraged me last year to create this space for men, I was very apprehensive about this as I wasn’t sure it would work.  But I took the plunge after talking with some other ‘brothers’ as I like to call them we together created;

 The Clan of Brothers - https://www.facebook.com/groups/2484973765084925/

 This can be found on FB; it is a closed group so only members can see what is posted.  We have had an online meet up, where we discussed our hobbies, our younger years and I hijacked the rest with a geography lesson on how big Australia is. (insert a laugh here).

 But there are some interesting discussing that have come up via posts in the group and they have been met with compassion and understanding only men in our position can give.

 So, if you know of someone that needs this space, please direct them to us.

 Thank Jody for this opportunity

 And as we say at the end of each podcast episode and this is especially for my CNBC brothers …… You are not alone.