Creating allies: Parents in Business magazine
In October 2021, presenter Berenice was published in Parents in Business magazine as part of our drive to create alliances outside the podcast. The edited and designed pages are available to subscribers. Whilst we can’t share the final published content freely outside the subscription, as this would be unfair to the editor and publisher who works hard on her business, we’ve added the first, unedited draft below so you can see what we’re up to. We hope you find it useful and inspiring.
“I'm Berenice, a freelance designer, and founder of Hello Lovely, a design business in Cambridge creating print material including books for all age groups, including primary, branding, and websites.
I guess I'm also a rebel in writing here as I'm not a mother to a living child. I'm one of the seventy-two percent for whom IVF fails and makeup one of forty-eight million women who are involuntarily childless. Creating allies is an area I'm keen to explore with you.
It's been eleven years since my last IVF cycle resulted in a miscarriage - almost to the day of writing. Since then, I fell apart with PTSD, adopted a rescue dog, walked to the edge of an actual cliff, went through redundancy, graduated with a Masters Degree in graphic design and typography, have won or shortlisted for awards including the Cambridgeshire Digital Awards and The IPSE Freelancer of the Year. I have spoken at Fertility Fest in London twice. I am an Ambassador for World Childless Week. I'm an unreformed goth, nerdy about fonts and passionate about equality and the art of listening.
In learning to live with my grief, by understanding it's a bag I'll always carry, but I can share the load, I've cycled through the stages of grief and back again. In times of bitterness, I've walked away from parents for fear of judgment, pity, being asked if I'd tried hard enough or considered adoption. I understand why one may want to offer a solution; it's in our nature to help.
Much misunderstanding about what it is to be involuntarily childless perhaps comes from not knowing what to say or do? Every media story that reveals a happy ending to a journey of infertility shuts down another, which ended with loss or never began due to circumstance. It's telling that the statistics on men are unrecorded. Dr Robin Hadley, researcher on male infertilty, says; "Research on men who are involuntarily childless is important not only because of actual and projected demographic change but also because the evidence based on the effects of male involuntary childlessness on men as they age is virtually nonexistent. However, in many countries, there are more childless men than equivalent women."
As I've come to terms with my losses, I set up a podcast, The Full Stop, with Michael Hughes and Sarah Lawrence. Between us, we've broadcast thirty-two episodes on subjects around childlessness to encourage conversation in our community and to educate and inform family, friends, and relatives of those who are. One in 6 women are childless; it's very likely you know someone.
What do I mean about creating allies? Well, it's sharing experiences and boundaries to set an expectation of how childless not by choice people deserve to be treated. And that's not an easy task, not least because of centuries of misrepresentation. Cruella de Ville, witch-hunts, and numerous evil stepmothers comes to mind. Even in The Game of Thrones, fathers are portrayed as sexual and brave warriors. Childless men are inferior, unwanted or sickly. These narratives invoke shame, one that subconsciously feeds into society's perception and creates a climate of pronatalism. Overcoming these narratives requires a considerable act of self-forgiveness, the fragility of which is easily upended by external criticism or narcism.
It's building bridges, so the next generation - your children and grandchildren - experience better mental health and are accepted into society. If you find yourself wondering if that's real, the Full Stop has broadcast episodes on social divides. Yvonne John, the author of Dreaming of a Life Unlived, discussed fertile and racial stereotypes; in Loneliness In A Pandemic guest, Julia shared the intense isolation of living in Spain during lockdown as a lone single person surrounded by families. In Men Matter Too, guests talk about being eyed with suspicion as childless men as if they were criminals. Our mental health episode with Meriel Whale remains one of our most popular downloads.
The noun ally is defined as 'being a person who associates or cooperates with another'. As a verb it's 'to enter into an alliance'. In practice, how might that work?
We may struggle to communicate because we're all uncomfortable. Not much about infertility is sexy, and to say one can't have children conjures up all sorts of scenarios. Reading up about the reasons is beneficial. Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, author, psychotherapist and TEDx speaker wrote '50 ways not be a mother (with apologies to Paul Simon).
Is there another introduction that can bring people together at your event or group or in your bio? What about the location, coffee, biscuits, Great British BakeOff or shoes - we all love shoes, don't we?
Baby showers can be upsetting, as can collections and scan photos. They are reminders of loss as well as celebration. Giving space and choice is recognising grief.
Appreciate that 'as a parent' isn't inclusive language. Some experiences are specific to parenthood, but many more are universal. Try different scenarios or 'the children in your life' to welcome a wider audience including childless and childfree.
Enough of the stereotypes. Family is a broad term, and we're all humans with diverse needs and commitments.
If someone tells you that they can't be a parent, it is a honour and an act of trust. Compassionate responses are 'I'm sorry' or 'do you want to talk' and not forgetting.
During the last eighteen months, I've seen friends from all sides, parents or childless (not by choice) and childfree (by choice) weather a front like no other. I have enormous respect for everyone. It's the same storm, different boats.”
