Do childless men need a community?
Do childless men need a community?
That’s an odd question if it’s set in the current moral landscape of this world. I mentioned ‘mansplaining’ in response to Morland’s proposal to tax the childless. In America, men are being encouraged to take responsibility as the abortion laws erode women. Across the world. we see human rights at the forefront of debate.
In the childless world, it’s a different balance and one that might be questioned by those indirectly affected (that’s everyone, since we all know someone who is childless not by choice, disclosed or not). Dr. Robin Hadley’s words ‘there are thought to be more childless men than women’ still has the power to hold a room.
Michael Hughes is one-third of the Full Stop with me and counsellor, Sarah Lawrence. He posed the opening question rhetorically since, well, yes, they do. Over the past three years, I’ve learned that spaces for all genders is critical to well-being.
In episode 37 of our podcast, one of our guests, Don, disclosed his fears over isolation as a single man who wanted a space to share his emotions but found that there wasn’t such a thing, at least not without ridicule. It’s a story I often heard when I created Walk In Our Shoes, a storytelling site that curated stories from across the world on childlessness in a safe space, accessible by all.
Michael asked what stops him and others from taking these spaces and their potential and using them for good. He cites a juxtaposition between going out into the world to meet people and then quietly bringing up the drawbridge. He explained that the Childless Men’s Community (a group on Facebook) was quiet sometimes and worried that it wasn’t working.
Supporting our group leaders is a theme we return to again in episode 40 of the podcast with Katy Seppe. We founders of ‘things’ all doubt that we are ‘doing it right, and query our worth; forgetting that we’re often present for the first time and, therefore, are pioneers.
It takes huge courage to post in a childlessness group. It means a quiet acknowledgment of a feeling or state.
It is entering a party we didn’t want to attend but finding it’s got some great bits but some awful moments too but knowing everyone will gather with you for a rousing chorus of ‘My Way’ whenever you wish.
You might debate something that you don’t agree with; childlessness isn’t the only thing that defines us, so we should expect that other issues may cause disagreements.
Michael’s philosophy is ‘let’s see where it goes and that allows him the personal freedom to meet others. I love that and embrace that bravery. It may not be for you. Real-life can be tricky as we all know.
The Childless Men’s Community allows him to do so with the safety that any gender requires when navigating the world; trust in others. Other communities can do that too. You can find podcast episodes with several founders of groups on our website.
These communities, regardless of gender, can build up that worth that may have been torn down and lost in coming to terms with a flaw that isn’t within our zone of control. The fixes and action of others that are also outside our zone of control.
What we can control is how we respond.
Berenice Smith, MA is one-third of The Full Stop, an Ambassador for World Childless Week, and lives in Cambridge. She has been through failed IVF and miscarriages and identifies as being more, not less, for her losses.
