Mother's Day on our terms

It’s starting to ramp up. Those email about Mother’s Day follow super fast after International Women’s Day and it feels like we’re being bombarded.

I (Berenice) had a conversation on Twitter this week about opting in/out of emails on this and there was a lot of objection to the way companies handle this. Database software has come a long way since…. well, 1912 and Ann Jarvis who created this day.

We have the amazing Bloom and Wild whose flowers I send all over as they created Thoughtful Marketing which many companies have pledged to follow. Yet I still think it’s wonky. Why can’t we opt-in not out? When we sign up to a subscriber page, could we set up our preferences to say yes or no to awareness days as it’s not just Mother’s Day. There’s Father’s Day, Grandparents Day and if there’s an awareness week, you may not want to know about it. Isn’t that a better way? A Really Thoughtful Way that means we don’t get the email in the first place.

Is that a dream? I hope not.

It’s not avoidance, we all know it’s there. But if we go to the shops or out (remember going out?) we can prepare ourselves for exposure. But if you’ve had yet another phone call or WhatApp with your sibling and his two kids who want you to celebrate and you’ve Had Enough, the invasion of your inbox can feel like a bit bloody much!

With miscarriage being the most common complication of pregnancy, ending 250,000 of pregnancies in the UK, it’s not just those of us who are childless not by choice for many reasons, or going through fertility treatment who find this tough. It’s also really hard for those who have lost their mum too or have a painful or non-existent relationship with them. It does beg the question why Mothers Day at all?

In the UK, the early origins are found in worship. Girls ‘in service’ on country estates were allowed the day off to visit their mother church, the place they were baptised or worshipped in. See, nothing to do with ovaries.

In the USA, Ann Jarvis formed clubs to help mothers with their babies. These later became friendship circles. Her daughter, Anna Jarvis who was unmarried and childless, created a day of celebration to honour her mother’s work. Mother’s Day was added to the National Calendar of events in the USA. By 1912 in many states it was a national holiday. But Jarvis was appalled at the commercialism of the day. In 1920 she had taken out several lawsuits against groups using Mother’s Day as a business name and tried to get the day removed from the calendar. Clearly, Hallmark didn’t get that memo or most of social media.

The old me, the one before IVF failure, spent this day in hope. Once or twice I was newly pregnant and unable to share for fear of destroying hope. So it is a time when I am struck with sadness, more so than Christmas where the challenge to be happy and joyful is shared.

One year I completely forgot about it. It was between my third and fourth cycle of IVF when I still had some strength left. I went to the pub with my husband for my birthday and realised we had no hope of getting a table when I saw the balloons and banners celebrating what I could not do. That was ten years ago and the first time it really felt like I was being excluded.

It still hurts but a little less. I tend to look on with a bit of incredulous disbelief at hideous gifts these days and overpriced food. I think of how problematic days are with expectations.

Maybe some of that feeling, for me, is that there is no day to celebrate those who are at any point between grief and a place of acceptance. We could say it’s ‘everyday’ and who needs a day at all (valid point!) but wouldn’t it be great to create a celebration of us, to show what an amazing community we are. And I firmly stand by that. I’ve met so many interesting people and made friendships that are deep. The sort that we can have a quick chat, may not speak for ages but when we pick up, it’s heartfelt for it begins from the same space, however, we arrived there. Now there’s a project to distract us all!

I find that it’s become a little easier, Covid meant less celebration and a pause to reflect on grief for many who may not have felt the same before.

• One piece of advice I had in counseling was to go to events ‘on your own terms’. If you want to visit family but aren’t sure how you’ll manage, pop in and have a reason to leave already planned.

• If you say no, then it’s okay for the reason to be to look after you. You are important! Watching re-runs of Pride and Prejudice is a date in my opinion.

• Take your mum out on another day, perhaps after Mother’s Day. It may be easier to bear. Less families and more peace.

• I often spend Mother’s Day in the garden. My solace is found in the bath that soothes the backache from a day of digging and the happiness of knowing I have buried seeds waiting to sprout veg and the thrill of flower bulbs which will entertain the bees and decorate my house this summer.

• Buy a pile of books from an indie bookshop or stick on the Full Stop podcast, then you’re not dragged onto social media.

• Keep in mind that at the heart of all this stuff is commerce. In the USA, people spend $23.6n on gifts but that is helping to prop up a lot of small businesses.

• Say a big thank you to the companies who are providing opt outs.

It is one day and it will pass my friend. And if you feel it’s too much, have a grumble with us. You are not alone.